Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
