Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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