We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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