Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
