I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
