what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
