hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
