Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
