just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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