I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
