At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
someone owes me an orgasm
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
