I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
