Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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