yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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