I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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