the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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