I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
