Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
