Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
