I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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