I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You ate ashes out of my bong
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
