it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
