Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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