I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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