His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
