just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
