shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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