I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I believe in your delicious
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My life is pants optional.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
