I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
