I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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