I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
