The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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