U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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