Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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