I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
