apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
