nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
