shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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