i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
