dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
