So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I could make wine with my vomit
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
