Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
