My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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