Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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