turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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