Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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