I bet he comes in French.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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