Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
