i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
