OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
