she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
