I want to have your abortion
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
