She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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